perfidy

In what has become a holiday tradition, the unhappy hordes of clenched-lip grinches have released their lists of toys and games deemed unsuitable for the fragile minds of our youth. Unable or unwilling to feel joy, they seek to deny any glimmer of happiness in others. Thanks to their never-flagging and unholy efforts BB guns, cap guns, action figures with spring-loaded projectiles and riding bicycles without helmets are now part of the dead past. Challenging puzzles with small pieces were next. A vast array of inherently fun toys have been banished, tarred and feathered with the labels 'unsafe' and 'violent.'

We live in an unsafe and violent world. Evolutionary psychologists have learned that (as common sense had long held) that play is just nature's way of preparing our young for the vicitudes of adult life. What better education is there than a childhood filled with guns, knives and imaginary bloodshed?

But now, the grim advocates of pacificism and perfect safety have gone too far. They are even now attacking a time-hallowed and beloved, nay, essential part of American childhood. They are insisting that cannibalism has no place in the life of a mentally healthy child. Who among us has not joyfully and creatively relived in play the tragic story of the Donner party? And who has not played explorers and headhunters? Even small girls with their easy-bake ovens have traditionally joined in this wholesome fun, pretending to bake elaborate long pig quiches or presiding over tea and fingerbone parties with her dolls.

We need to preserve the last vestiges of this sacred tradition. The only place that cannibalism now remains, the only place that children can partake of this feast of joy is in modern console games like "F.E.A.R." and "Stubbs the Zombie in Rebel Without a Pulse." These soul-sucking killjoys partake of ritual and symbolic cannibalism on a weekly basis. Don't let them take this from us. We must fight these hypocrites, fight them, tooth and nail so that we may enjoy our virtual cannibalism in peace.

Why do they hate our freedom?