An Open Letter to Chicago Public Library Desk Vandals
From the greatest website in Christendom, McSweeney's Internet Tendency:
A N O P E N L E T T E R
T O C H I C A G O
P U B L I C L I B R A R Y
D E S K V A N D A L S .
BY HOLLY GRIGALUNAS
Dear Vandals,
I write in regard to your collective graffiti displayed on a study carrel — just east of the map collection and through the foreign books — in the Harold Washington branch of the Chicago Public Library. While your detailed Asian fetishes and sketches of generously-endowed hermaphrodites kept me distracted from my primary reading materials for quite some time, I thought you may benefit from a few tips that may better convey your sentiments.
Choose your writing instrument carefully. Markers and Wite-Out will do. Avoid pencil; it rubs off far too easily — "CASTRATE ALL…" what? Your ideal method may be to etch directly into the wood, perhaps with a paperclip or very sturdy ballpoint pen. Along with imbuing a rustic, almost old-timey, timbre to your voice, it may avoid any further confusion over which ethnic group gives the best head.
Secondly, bear in mind that a good majority of people are right-handed, causing most graffiti to become clotted up on the right-hand sides of desks. Writing on the left-hand side will not only set your message apart, but will add a pleasing, feng-shui effect to your canvas. Basically, if you truly want to stress that Scotty does, in fact, take it up the ass — think left.
Finally, take heed when responding to your fellow vandals' messages. Imagine your fellow vandal has inscribed a bawdy and entirely incorrect statement in pencil, perhaps about his abnormal penis length and the amount of attractive young women who, just last night, took pleasure in every last inch. You must be ambiguous and glib in your response in the event that the initial point of contention rubs off on someone's sweaty forearm, or is lost forever in the terry recesses of the night janitor's rag. Nothing is more bewildering than a "YEAH AFTER YOU PAY THEM CAUSE YOU CAN'T GET ANY FOR FREE," accompanied by a lonesome arrow. A simple "fuck off" or "your mamma is gay" should suffice wonderfully as both a dissenting response and an independent assault.
I do hope you consider these suggestions, not only for the sake of clarity and cohesiveness, but for your own readers' faith in you and your vast affection for young pussy.
Respectfully,
Holly Grigalunas
Chicago, IL
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Often too clever by half, but
Often too clever by half, but that's only a liability if you consider it so.
Check out their analysis of the Cleveland Browns: "The Browns resemble one of those old-man dandelions, you know the kind that are all withered cloudy spores and have been dead for about three weeks and are waiting for the next strong wind to put them out of their misery? That's the kind of juggernaut they've put together this season."
I read that. They also
I read that. They also complained about the fact that the quarterback shares his surname with a large piece of living room furniture.
I really, really dug the comments about the bus ride back from the meadowlands:
"...Another gentleman in a white mock turtleneck stormed the cockpit while we were on the freeway, demanding air conditioning. If this were an airplane, he would be in jail right now.
Thankfully, many of the passengers had the good sense to briefly stop their pouting and demand that this moron return to his seat. As he did so, he was reminded by a fellow in my party that the drive really was only ten minutes, and that he could surely survive without air conditioning. To that he angrily responded, "Ten minutes? Oh, you think so?" As he waited cockily for a response, I paused to look through the windshield of the bus. And I could see all of the skyscrapers that make up Manhattan. In fact, I could even pick out what I presume were people in the windows of the skyscrapers. And if I squinted hard enough, and saw that some of these people were eating club sandwiches that had been lovingly speared with toothpicks (with attached olives) with that little frilly cellophane on top I could have told you that that some of that frilly cellophane was navy fucking blue. That is how close we were.
I thought for a second of saying, "Yes. Unless Al-Queda has shafted us again, and during the course of the Jets game, totally obliterated Manhattan and created a new, fake, dummy one that is designed specifically to ensnare this bus in a torturous deathtrap, Manhattan is only ten minutes away. Actually, it is only four minutes away. Sit the hell down." But I did not. I was already concerned with the safety of myself and this moving 14-ton bus, so I didn't care to engage in any fisticuffs.
I will summarize by saying that if your team endures more hardship and goes 0-16, it will be too good for your fans. If there is to be an organization-wide housecleaning, start with them.