perfidy

As of 3:50 this morning, I am 36 years old. This is, I think, the last year I will reasonably be able to say that I am in my "mid thirties," so I suppose I should make the most of it or something. In many important material aspects, it won't be my birthday until wednesday, when I get my first real paycheck. Then I can go shopping.

So far, and I am keeping track, three members of my family have wished me a happy birthday. Aunt Diane gets bonus points for getting me a card that arrived on Saturday. My cousin Chris gets bonus points because I didn't expect an email from him. He turns 37 in a week, so he has one week left of his mid thirties. My mom, whom I love, gets half a point, because she wished me happy birthday when she replied to an email I sent her this morning.

Dad gets zero points. This is a composite score because he gets -1 point for not wishing me happy birthday when I called him this morning, and +1 point because that call was to decide where to meet for lunch, which he will pay for because it's my birthday.

The rest of my family gets zero points; as do friends and cobloggers, because while it would have been nice to have a happy birthday greeting, it's not like I went out of my way to let them know that I had a birthday coming up.

Mrs. Buckethead gets -1 point because she didn't wish me a happy birthday at all this morning. Should I still give her money to buy me a birthday present, or should I just buy a iPod?

[wik] My son gets +1 point because he's adorable, and has no fricken clue what a birthday is.

[alsø wik] My friend Trish gets +1 point for emailing me a happy birthday. And, she talks sf. Another 1/2 point.

[alsø alsø wik] Mrs. Buckethead gets another -1/2 point for calling about the air conditioning and the ants in the upstairs bathroom, and again failing to wish me a happy birthday.

[wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?] Lots of movement in the scores over lunch. Dad is up to +1 1/2 points for giving me a really funny Farside birthday card, and for cash. My stepmom is up a point for picking out that card, and for the cash. Mrs. Buckethead down another point for two more calls and still no happy birthday. And out of left field, Polly is up +10 points for calling on my birthday and offering me a higher paying job.

[see the løveli lakes...] Geeklethal and Murdoc are each +1 point for being snide. Especially Murdoc:

Sheesh. If Molly Ringwald was like Buckethead, the movie SIXTEEN CANDLES would have ended like the movie CARRIE…

[the wøndërful telephøne system...] My mom is lobbying for points:

Don't I get any credit for putting a card in the mail on Saturday, even if you get it late?

Sorry mom - no card, no points.

[and mäni interesting furry animals...] Mrs. Buckethead gets another -1 point for three more phone calls without a happy birthday. I hope that it is the heat affecting her higher brain functions. On that note, however, she gets +5 points for getting the air conditioning running again. When temperatures and humidity are both over 90, ac is definitely a good birthday present. And maybe when the house cools down, her brain will start working again.

[including the majestik møøse...] Another unexpected birthday call. The headhunters who got me my current yob called, and wished me a happy birthday. I was going to give them +1 point, but my coworker insisted that this deserves +2 points, seeing as it came from a nominally soulless corporation. +2 it is.

[a Møøse once bit my sister...] A summary of the standings so far, just as I get ready to leave work:

1. Polly the headhunter, +10
2. Nathan the headhunter, +2
3. Trish, Dad, +1 1/2 Also Mrs. Buckethead, even though she still hasn't wished me a happy birthday
4. Murdoc, Geeklethal, Aunt Diane, Cousin Chris, Stepmom, My son, +1 point
5. Mom, +1/2 point
6. The other six billion or so people, 0 points

What kind of scary world is it when two headhunters top your birthday list?

[No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law -an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...] Final update: Mom gets +1 point because her card was waiting for me when I got home, and then she called. Mark gets +2 points for wishing me a happy birthday even though he probably didn't know I existed a couple hours before he did so.

[Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...] Next year's birthday will be dynamite. Huge.