Robot spies infiltrate our homes
Until now, the unblinking perfidious eye has remained focused on the threat of armed, military robots. But now it turns to a new threat, the insidious and deceptively helpful commercial robots. A new report projects that the numbers of household robots will surge sevenfold in the next three years. We will be seven times closer to our doom as these robots invade our homes and lull us into complacency by performing such "useful" tasks as washing windows, cleaning pools and mowing lawns. Aside from the obvious danger - that we will be weakened as a species by losing essential skills and independence of thought - there is nothing that will stand in the way of a robot with cutting blades rotating at thousands of rpm once it decides to stop mowing lawns. And the report claims that lawn mowing robots will be a majority of all household robots! The traitors to humanity designing these instruments of autonomous destruction must be stopped, quickly and violently.
By the end of the decade, the study said, robots will "not only clean our floors, mow our lawns and guard our homes but also assist old and handicapped people with sophisticated interactive equipment, carry out surgery, inspect pipes and sites that are hazardous to people, fight fire and bombs."
These are the capabilities that will enable their takeover. "Entertainment" robots like the Aibo will be the eyes of the robot underground, recording our movements and cataloguing our weaknesses. Then, the lawn mowing and vaccuuming robots will kill the weak and the slow while home security and cowmilking robots hunt the rest of us. Those who fight back will fall victim to the huge array of giant fighting robots that we have described on these pages. It's not to late to stop armageddon. But it soon will be.
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I, for one, would like to be
I, for one, would like to be the first to welcome our new robotic overlords-slash-minions.
But seriously folks... while the menace of lawnmower robots seems clear enough, I ask you: what's to fear from a groundhugging unit with all the smarts and agility of a Roomba? Unless you eff up good and pass out under the bushes, I think you're safe there.
I think our biggest threat is from "smart" tvs that develop a taste for exotic porn and drive up our Pay Per View bills pursuing their electronic hardcore jollies.
I will fear robot minions only when it's no longer possible to do anything by hand. Before that point, there's always the old ways, foot travel, and our friend the pump-action shotgun.
I don't know about you, but I
I don't know about you, but I pass out in my yard quite frequently, at least since I got laid off.
My wife will testify that in the week since welcomed our new Tivo/DVD-R overlord into our home, I have come to recognize that threat. I signed up for all the movie channels, and in the last three days have burned fifteen brand spanking new DVD movies. Plus, it now knows my habits well enough to seek out the Special Report w/ Brit Hume, Drew Carey show, Lewis Black and MADtv without me even asking it to! It took Belinda months to get that thorough a knowledge of my viewing tastes.
If it starts sucking my brains out, I also recently purchased a Remington 870 pump action shotgun. So I guess I'm covered.
Tonight, Tivo is recording:
The Right Stuff
Batman Returns
The Seven Samurai
Drew Carey
To Have and To Have Not
Celebrity Deathmatch
What a beautiful world that has Tivo in it.
B,
B,
Beware the day when there's a robot who will rack the pump on your shotgun for you. Should'a got a semi.
Celebrity Deathmatch still
Celebrity Deathmatch still exists? Wow.
Also, down with robots, up with genetically-engineered monkey-slaves.
Because, you know, that can't possibly backfire horribly.