perfidy

A recent comment has caused me to rethink my goals, values and position in life.

RegretsYou | 02/09/04 7:55 AM | Email:worthless@pos.org | IP 216.127.72.7

Please take your hateful, talentless, war-loving, trailer-trash family back to rural Ohio, where your kind belongs. Oh, that's right, they only have real jobs there, not shameful, government-waste, meaningless, busywork jobs like yours. And may God help your hapless son.

And you know, he's exactly right. It was, oddly enough, a kind of road to Damascus, scales falling from the eyes kind of experience. There I was, sitting in my flannel pajamas and checking the blog before getting ready for work, and bam! There it was! I don't belong here in this cosmopolitan DC milieu. My attempts to move beyond my heritage have failed utterly. I just can't get past my upbringing. So I called my dad, and told him. And we've decided to move the family back to Ohio. Advanced degrees and high paying jobs are just poor camouflage for our trailer trash roots.

Dad's thinking he's gonna buy a Ford F150, but then he always knew more about cars than I did. I'll just get something that'll look nice in front of a double wide. We'll fit in there, with our kind. We can get real jobs like pulling up concrete, or maybe even digging ditches. That would be the nes plus ultra of authentic, proletarian vocations, don't you think? And we could hang out in the local bars, and talk with the other xenophobic, jingoistic, back-country rubes. Although we'd have to be careful not to let it out that we went to college. Hicks don't take kindly to condescending, college educated folk telling them what's what.

It will be a relief to leave government contracting behind. It's been so frustrating trying to get government workers to adapt to commercial sector timetables. I can just relax and swing a 20lb sledge; and think about going home to my son, and how I'll teach him about the mendacity of the French, creationism, and how it's good for honest Americans to blow up the little brown people. Of course, I'll have to be careful not to overdo it. He might rebel and go to college! JC might pick all manner of noxious habits, and learn to hate everyone he knows. Of course, he's hapless – just like his talentless Dad and Granddad, so I won't have much to fear, I think.

I'll call the wife right now and tell her to start packing. And maybe God will help us along with a million dollar buyout.

RegretsYou, please leave your real email address in the comments, as I'd like to thank you personally for the insights you've given me and my family. I followed the ip address the blog software logged, but it only led here. You have nothing to fear! Talentless hacks can't afford lawyers.