perfidy

Over the last several days, I have conducted a rigorous scientific study of the effects of what I call humor on people I come in contact with. My methodology is brutally effective and simple. Whenever I say something, I closely observe the effects. A smile, and I incise a small cut on the inside of my left forearm. Laughter, a small cut on my left palm. A frown or other show of unhappiness or displeasure, a scratch on my right forearm. No reaction, a nick goes on my right palm.

After three days, my arms were a bloody mess, but I emerged from my trauma clutching close to my breast the dearly won knowledge that I am really, really funny.

In measuring the response of others to various statements of mine, I used the following criteria:

• Like with the famous purity test, technicalities count. So, a contemptuous smirk counts as a smile. Similarly, an embarrassed giggle counts as laughter.
• I have discounted all responses from my son, because he is not qualified to judge me and would be biased in any event.
• Finally, if someone says something like, "Shut the Hell up" while laughing counts as laughter, not displeasure.

The results:

In three days, I interacted personally with 39 people and one retard. In the course of conversation with these 39.5 people, I made 1204 distinct utterances. The breakdown of reactions is as follows:

• Laughter: 9.8%
• Smile: 47.7%
• Displeasure: 4.2%
• Stunned silence: 38.4%

(percentages may not add up to 100% due to rounding)

As you can clearly see, significantly more than half of the things that I say cause smiles or laughter. I am doing more than my share in bringing joy to the world. However, one must be careful not to read to much into the results of this study, as it was not designed to measure the mechanisms that cause the humor reaction in others, merely that they reacted.

Some interesting results from deeper analysis of the data:

My interactions with the retard skewed the results somewhat, as he laughed at every thing I said. However, only seven of the 1204 utterances were directed at him.

Male coworkers are significantly more likely to laugh at intentional attempts at humor than others.

Wives are significantly (drastically) less likely to laugh at intentional attempts at humor, but much more likely to laugh at utterances that were not meant to be humorous. Further study will be needed on this topic, because women often report in Cosmo surveys that sense of humor is an important factor in mate selection. This apparent discrepancy cries out for resolution.

Streetbums, though an admittedly small part of the sample, show displeasure at the least provocation, and were responsible for almost a third of the "displeasure" reactions. This may have something to do with monetary factors involved in our interaction, but this supposition is not fully supported by the data at hand.

Conclusions:

1. I am funny
2. Retards are easily amused
3. Bums need to lighten up when I don't give them a quarter
4. I need more neosporin