perfidy

Since the Maximum Leader is making posts out of chat conversations, I figure there's no harm in me doing the same. The other day - not that day, but the other one, I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She is having relationship difficulties. I referred her to ASI, but that wasn't what she needed. The discussion turned to the problems with the traditional method of breaking up. Face to face confrontation is so pre-industrial era. So, I gave her advice. As only I can. We join the action in media res:

9:13 PM me: Alternate means of breaking up with an insignificant other:
Carrier Pigeon.
Voicemail
Smoke Signals

9:14 PM me: Heliograph (not effective at night)
Shortwave Radio
CB (Must use lingo from movie Convoy)
Email
IM
String connecting two paper cups
9:15 PM me: Tell a friend or two, and hope it gets back to him before he sees you with new, improved insignificant other.
9:16 PM me: Lay out forty-foot high letters in a park, and encourage him to take a helicopter ride over the park. (dangerous, as that is often lead up to proposals of marriage.)
Hire a skywriter. (Nothing says get lost like millions of people seeing "Dave, you suck! Get out of my life.")
9:17 PM me: Classified ad (Tricky, but devastating)
Cable access talk show
Singing telegram (Gorillas work best.)
Hire a hit man
9:18 PM me: Hire a stunt double to break up for you.
Graffiti
9:19 PM me: More alternatives:
Date his relatives
Date his friends
Crucify and boil his pets, a la that weird movie with Glenn Close
9:20 PM me: Hire a prostitute to seduce him. Then, burst in and say, you philandering fuck! We're though!
I always wanted to write that sentence.
Troubled Girl: well good ... something good should come of all this
9:21 PM me: Telegraph. (Difficult, now that Western Union stopped the telegram business.)
Put a message up on the jumbotron.
Goodyear blimp
9:22 PM me: Paint it on his car
Or his dog
Or both
Troubled Girl: I don't have a key.
me: The outside of the car
Troubled Girl: makes the dog an unlikely target
me: Wait. Lurk. You'll get your chance.
9:23 PM me: Spell the message with gasoline on his yard. In a couple weeks, he'll know.
Troubled Girl: he already knows ...
me: Hire a process server. They can find anyone.
Hire a telemarketer to call him fifty times a day.
9:24 PM me: Forward him this chat.
9:25 PM Troubled Girl: what I would write right now is dramatic and self-centered
me: And that is holding you up why?
Troubled Girl: and pathetic
me: Okay.
9:26 PM me: Write "I break up with you" on the side of a 500lb. bomb like the ordnance techs do on the carriers.
Troubled Girl: does the world really want to read about the emotional mish-mash in my head that goes back and forth between crying and screaming about every hour?
me: Or, on a brick, and throw it through his window.
Does the world really want to read this chat? I think they do.
9:27 PM Troubled Girl: so they can call and check if I'm ok?
me: They don't know you. And I'll use some other depressed chick's name.
That'll put a spoke in their wheel.
9:28 PM me: Have a sign painted, and put it on his way to work.
Or a billboard.
There is no try, only do.
9:29 PM me: Or something equally pithy and oriental.
Lucas really has a thing for that.
Star Wars Lucas.
The trade federation, the little annoying kid in the second Indiana Jones. Yoda.
9:30 PM me: I bet there was an obnoxious asian character in American Graffiti. I just can't remember.
Don't make me say, "Buck up, little camper" again.
Oh shit, I said it.