perfidy

This is part two of the advice file. Page one can be found here.
Buying Cars

• Gas is one of the smallest costs of running a vehicle (maintenance, tires, insurance, depreciation, licensing, …).
• Used – I prefer bigger engines. A larger engine won’t have as much of its life used up as a smaller one (fewer revs/mile), and gas mileage isn’t that much less.
• Old people cars tend to be driven by old people and not abused.
• Big cars are a lot of fun for road trips.
• New cars depreciate really, REALLY fast.
• If the car looks trashed, it probably hasn’t been taken care of mechanically either.
• Don’t believe anyone when they say something has just been rebuilt or replaced. Ask to see receipts. People lie.
• If buying from a dealership, search for a young salesman (he needs to make quota, and may feel a little worse about really ripping you off).
• At the end of the month, many salesmen are feeling quota pressure, and it is a good time to buy.
• Have a mechanic check it out. (A state safety inspection covers a lot). It will give you negotiating room.
• Have a friend help you negotiate.
• A car is NEVER an investment.
• Don’t bother trying to buy the most expensive or flashiest car. Someone will always have a nicer one.
• Look at car ownership as a “transportation utility” like cable, electric or gas. It’s what you pay every month to get around. This will help you judge how much is reasonable to pay for Basic or Expanded cable
• Expect problems from cars that have been raced hard.
• Some people like to tinker with their cars.
• Have a good reason if you’re not buying a reliable car.
• Leases can give you a lower monthly payment, but fewer options when the lease ends. The cost of ownership will be the same, it's just a question of when you pay the money.
• Seriously consider driving a beater car until you can afford to pay cash. Paying interest sucks.
• Think twice before buying a new car. It loses thousands of dollars of value the second you drive off the dealer's lot. Consider buying a two-year lease return, they often have warranties just as good as new cars.

Traveling

• Pee whenever you get the chance
• Carry water
• Get a passport and you will join the 10% of Americans who have passports.
• Don’t drive sleepy. It can be more dangerous than drinking and driving. Pull over and nap.
• Don’t nap while leaving accessories or radio on. You may not be able to start your car when you wake up. It’s OK to leave the car idling while you sleep. Lock the doors.
• Wal-Mart allows people to sleep in their vehicles on their parking lots overnight.
• Motel parking lots are another good place to park and sleep.
• Don’t buy black luggage. Someone will walk away with it at the airport.
• Add something to your suitcase (e.g. ribbon on the handle) to make it look different.
• You won’t need as many clothes as you think
• It’s nice to live in a place that is an airline hub.
• Take your shoes off while driving and you’ll be much cooler
• Study the maps. Maps are cool.
• Always be a step or two ahead of your directions.
• Stop and ask, or call for directions if you are lost.
• Plan your route unless you plan to wander.
• Stay out of big cities during rush hour.
• Eat at the diner that has the most vehicles parked in front of it.
• Take the time to eat inside sometimes.
• You’ll find the best food at places with the smallest menu. Specialties of the house are best.
• Places with a huge menu tend to specialize in nothing
• When traveling, eat locally. When you’re in Iowa, don’t go for the seafood, go for the steak.
• Rest areas sometimes carry a lot of maps.
• Boring is under-rated sometimes. Boring is getting to the airport on time, finding parking, taking off on time, landing on time, having your baggage and rental car waiting for you.
• Go to a diner, talk to the old guys reading their newspapers. They know where all the really cool stuff is.
• If you’ve got the time, take the scenic route.
• On a map, the squiggly lines are the scenic route.

Camping

• Air mattress pumps are better than blowing for starting a fire.
• Never use gasoline to light a fire.
• Never use LOTS of white gas to start a fire.
• Bonfires can explode when you do.
• Really!
• Diesel, lamp oil, and kerosene are far less dangerous.
• Charcoal lighter fluid is relatively safe.
• Let fluid soak into the wood before lighting it.
• When using charcoal, use the lighter fluid to soak the briquettes and wait several minutes. They will light much easier. (Read the directions).
• Big plastic sheeting wrapped around a tent works great in a rainstorm.
• Frozen water bottles are better than ice in a cooler. Less messy, and you have cold water to drink.
• 5 day coolers.
• Chill things before they go into the cooler and your ice will last longer.
• Block ice and dry ice last longest.
• Use Ziploc bags and plastic containers.
• Ice water with meat juice is just gross.

Women

• Don’t stare at her boobs. Look her in the face when you talk to her. She’ll notice and approve.
• If you don’t ask her out, the answer will always be no.
• Don’t be scared of no for an answer.
• Don’t talk about yourself ad nauseum. Ask her questions.
• Respect her.
• Don’t hit on every girl you meet. Talk to her. She will have friends.
• “Let’s be friends” means I’m not interested in you that way. Period. She’s not going to change her mind. Remember though, she has friends.
• Pay attention when she says no.
• When she asks “do you want to go out?” She means she wants to go out.
• When they go to the bathroom together, they ARE talking about you.
• Don’t be a stalker.
• Rub her feet.
• Dogs and babies are chick magnets.
• She’ll let you know if she’s interested. Pay attention.
• If she’s talking to you, you’ve got a chance.
• If she’s playing with her hair and laughing at MY jokes, she’s probably interested.
• Flowers, chocolate and jewelry always work.
• Hold the door open
• Unlock her door and open it for her
• Most women are way too sensitive about their bodies.
• If she doesn’t think she’s beautiful, you aren’t telling her often enough.
• Be careful if she has more than 2 cats.
• Never, ever, EVER ask her if she is gaining weight (and expect to survive it).
• I really don’t know the answer to “Do these jeans make me look fat?” “No” is always a good bet.
• Sometimes “I need to change the oil in the car” works. Don’t be stupid.
• Know that the picture she has up in her personals ad is the best picture ever taken in the last 10 years.
• When she asks you how her clothes look, never say “Fine.” Then she will ask what is wrong with them and you’ll never get to leave.
• You’ll never win if you complain about her running late.
• If she talks to you, you’ve got a chance
• If a guy lets her drive his car, he REALLY like you
• When you meet a girl, pretend she is an old friend and you’re just catching up with what she’s been doing since you saw her last.
• If you should happen to win an argument, apologize immediately. Don’t gloat.

Relationships and Love

• You should be absolutely, completely, insanely, head-over-heels in love with her, or you’re just having fun.
  Sex isn’t love
• Lust isn’t love
• Infatuation isn’t love
• The initial infatuation phase is easy, but pay attention to the things that bother you at the beginning. Those are the things that will cause you much heartache later on.
• Chemistry is easy.
• Love is easy.
• You can love someone that is bad for you to be around.
• Keep the fights clean and the sex dirty.
• Listen to your friends sometimes.
• Don’t waste time in bad relationships, or ones where you have to work too hard.
• It’s the little things that count. You break up immediately over the big things.
• You don’t have to be monogamous
• You do have to be honest and upfront about it
• Be careful who you have sex with for extended periods of time. Sex makes you develop powerful feelings.
• When you find out she’s a psycho – Run!
• Do not date psychotic people. Instead, find a sane person who is crazy in bed. Date her.
• Keep your heart open, even if it hurts.
• If you ask her on a date, you pay.
• If you want to go on a date, call it a date.
• Most fights are about sex, money and religion
• You WILL run into that person again; clean up your bad relationships
• People get hurt, it’s part of relationships.
• Don’t hurt people unnecessarily.
• Don’t stay in a relationship because you’ll hurt the other person.
• Don’t marry the first person you sleep with on a regular basis.
• Moving in with someone is a HUGE step. Don’t do it just for the sex or financial reasons. Orgasms don’t last long enough.
• Be very careful about moving in with someone – it’s far harder to break up.
• It’s better to be hurt earlier than later.
• Love isn’t possessive. For me, love is when you want the very best for the other person, even if it hurts you.
• It hurts and is unfair when one person is more in love than the other. Don’t prolong it or expect it to change.
• Be yourself. It’s better to have someone fall in love with you than to fall in love with the front you are putting on.
• Long Distance Relationships are hard, and often don’t work out.
• Same with regular relationships.
• Don't marry someone you don't want to make mad love to. It won't end well.
• Love with a big open heart.
• All heartbreaks mend.
• If someone doesn't want you any longer, don't try to keep them.
• Be able to talk with her. Talk and talk and talk about interesting things.
• You don’t have to talk all the time.
• Some of the scariest words to hear are “Honey, we need to talk.”

Sex

• Sometimes the sweetest, nicest time is before anything happens. Getting to know her can be really spectacular.
• Women get pregnant. If you and she haven't discussed this possibility, you shouldn't be having sex.
• Sex can be very special. It’s nice to keep it that way.
• Kissing counts. Time spent kissing makes you live longer.
• Kiss more than just lips.
• There’s this one spot at the base of the neck that just begs to be kissed.
• Some men are show-ers, some are grow-ers. We’re all about the same size when excited.
• Practice safe sex
• Some practices are riskier than others
• Don’t necessarily believe a woman that says she’s on birth control. Some people lie.
• Diseases can ruin your life.
• Babies will completely change your life.
• You’re an adult. Adults that have sex get tested for STDs on a regular basis.
• Just because she looks healthy and clean doesn’t mean she doesn’t have STDs.
• If you’re too embarrassed to talk about birth control, you shouldn’t be having sex.
• Emergency contraceptives exist and are very safe and effective. Condoms can fail. Some states require a doctor’s prescription. The sooner you use them, the better, but generally you’ve got 72 hours. Be prepared, have a kit stowed around someplace.
• Being naked is easy. Opening up and trusting is hard.
• Lube.
• Leather is sexy.
• Confidence is very sexy.
• Dishpan hands are sexier (on a guy).
• Be careful about getting to know people on-line first. You can’t fall in love on-line. There may be no spark.
• Nice girls aren’t nice all the time.
• Bad girls aren't bad all the time.
• Nice girls have sex too.
• Don’t be afraid to talk to her about your fantasies. Move slowly. Guess what, she has fantasies too. They may be the same. You may get to share.
• Candles are romantic
• Rose petals on the bed are very romantic, but they can stain the sheets.
• Change the sheets.
• Some women like dirty movies.
• Some women like porn.
• Some women think porn is cheating.
• Don’t get addicted to porn (over sex with your Significant Other).
• It’s OK to masturbate.
• All guys masturbate (or lie about it).
• It’s not a race, take your time.
• Savage Love is the best sex advice column. Pay attention to what he has to say. www.citypages/savagelove
• Dan Savage advice to a 15 year old boy http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0511,savage,62041,24.html
• Dan Savage advice to 15 year old girls - http://www.villagevoice.com/people/0517,savage,63383,24.html http://villagevoice.com/people/0517,websavage,63354,24.html
• “Be good, giving and game” – Dan Savage
• Be open
• Experiment.
• Never sleep with anyone crazier than you.
• Not every woman orgasms.
• Not every woman orgasms during sex.
• Take lots of time with her during foreplay, you’ll never regret it.
• Learn to love eating pussy!
• Learn about the G-spot. It’s not mythical.
• Every woman likes to be touched differently. Find out what she likes.
• Sex changes everything. It’s hormones.
• Ask what she wants
• Don’t have regular sex with someone that isn’t a friend too.
• Figure out when her period is. Use a calendar. Be aware that PMS can start a week before this, and can make her very difficult to reason with. Pamper her.
• Chocolate will make her feel better.
• Shave. Whiskers scratch. Really.
• Take condoms with you when you go out for the evening.
• I prefer Durex
• Some people are allergic to latex. There are polyurethane condoms.
• Two forms of birth control are MUCH safer than one.
• Condoms break, especially cheap ones.
• Condoms are cheaper in big packs.
• Don't be nice to someone just to get in their pants.
• If it works, you'll both feel bad about it.
• Don’t put anything up your butt that doesn’t have a handle.
• A string is not a handle.
• A light bulb doesn’t have a handle (talk to a friend that is an ER nurse, ask about vacuuming naked stories).
• When a guy hits on you, just say “No thank you” (unless you are interested).
• If you have really, um, eclectic tastes, use the Internet and be honest.
• All he wants to do is get in your pants.
• He will say anything to get in your pants.
• There is far more to sex than just a penis and vagina. Think fingers, lips, tongue, massages, ….
• There are some REALLY good books to improve your technique. Find them. Pay attention. Use them. Practice, practice, practice.

Moving

• Get a larger moving truck than you think you’ll need.
• You can find boxes in the dumpsters behind the stores.
• Garbage bags work in a pinch, but try to put everything into boxes if you possibly can. Moving will go much more quickly.
• Pack everything BEFORE your friends come over.
• You can’t have too much packing tape.
• When packing the truck, stack all the boxes at the fron first, floor to ceiling. Put light, bulky stuff on top of the boxes. Then stand a mattress in front of it. Use rope to keep it from shifting around.
• All glass and mirrors are packed in the truck vertically. Otherwise they break easily.
• Local movers cost less than you think, and they have insurance.
• It’s nice to tell movers that the dresser goes in the upstairs, back bedroom.
• Use hand carts with boxes.
• Pack books in small boxes.
• Pack important stuff separately and keep it with you.
• Paying for a storage unit is usually a waste of money. Think about what you’re paying and what the stuff you have is worth. It is usually a lot cheaper to buy something over again.
• Cross-country movers are much less convenient, you work to their schedule, and have a reputation for coming in with bills that are far higher than their estimates.
• U-Haul has the worst trucks.
• You can hire movers to pack your self-drive truck.
• Your auto insurance probably won’t cover insurance on a truck. Neither does American Express. Check first.
• If you’re worried about the truck being stolen when you stop someplace, pull out the distributor wire and put it in your pocket.

Apartment Life

• Read the lease carefully.
• Sometimes there are a lot of stupid rules, but you still have to follow them.
• Cats are much easier to hide than dogs.
• Split utilities; don’t have everything in your name.
• Come up with some ground rules ahead of time.
• Pay your bills on time. Make sure your roommate does too.
• Don’t let your roommate lie to you about paying the rent (and just taking your money).
• You will be responsible for the entire lease if your roommate bails.
• Don’t make the other person always do dishes, or clean, or ….
• Spend a lot of time talking with a potential roommate. He/she is going to become your new best friend (or at least the person you end up spending the most time with).
• Renter’s insurance will cover you on theft, fire and liability. The landlord’s insurance will not.
• Keep the common area neater
• Keeping things neat takes very little effort. Just consistency and a little time each day.
• Cockroaches suck. Don’t leave food out.
• Have a private space you can retreat to.
• Storage space is really nice.
• Some people really need their space.

Pets

• Pets are a lifetime (theirs) commitment
• It can be hard to find a place to live if you have a pet (especially a large dog).
• Have it spayed or neutered. Do not bring unnecessary life onto the planet.
• You can leave a cat for a weekend
• Dogs need to be walked several times a day, no matter what the weather.
• Dogs are like having a child that never gets past age 2.
• Using the good dog food results in a lot less crap.

TV

• TV rots your mind
• TV sucks up tons of time
• You’ll sit and watch stupid shows for hours on end. Don’t waste your time.
• Most shows are so predictable, that you know within a couple of minutes what is going to happen for the next hour.
• Sometimes it’s good to veg out. But be conscious about what you’re doing.
• Don’t use TV to avoid things.
• Be conscious about what you watch.
• Cable is expensive.
• Netflix

First Aid/Emergency

• Don’t throw away old cell phones. Keep a phone and its charger in the car. Even with no service plan, you can always make emergency calls.
• Take a Red Cross First Aid and CPR class. Better to have it and never need it than need it and not have it.
• The Red Cross sometimes offers first-responder and disaster preparedness courses. They aren’t very expensive, usually really fun, and the information you learn might save lives.
• Learn how to do the Heimlich maneuver.
• Always have a first aid kit in the car and another at home. A decent one costs about $20 and will include a small first aid manual.
• If you’re not sure whether to call 911 in the event of an injury because you’re not sure how serious it is, call.
• The purpose of first aid is to stabilize the patient until emergency services arrive.
• If you see an accident/injury:
  1. Remain calm.
  2. Have someone call 9/11.
  3. If there are people around, tell them to move back.
  4. Ask if anyone else has medical training.
  5. If you have the most skills, assess the extent of injuries first.
  6. If the victim is conscious, tell them to remain calm, and ask where it hurts.
  7. Now start applying first aid. Don’t rush – all of the above shouldn’t take longer than 20-30 seconds, and it will help you remain calm and focused.
• If you don’t have first aid training:
  • Apply pressure and bandages to cuts.
  • If you don’t have sterile bandages, a t-shirt makes excellent bandage material.
  • Immobilize sprains, joint injuries and possible broken bones.
  • Raise the legs to reduce the risk of shock. (Don’t do this if they have leg injuries, though.)
  • Don’t move the patient unless you absolutely have to.
• Buy an old Boy Scout manual at a used book store. Those things are chock full of useful information. (The older, the better.)
• http://www.fema.gov and http://www.redcross.org have tons more useful information.

Guns

• I'm not going to get into the politics of gun ownership here.
• And I’m not going to pretend that guns don’t exist.
• Always assume the gun is loaded, even if you just checked it.
• Never point a gun at someone unless you want to and are willing to use it.
• Otherwise it may be shoved up your ass and used by someone who is willing.
• Never put your finger inside the trigger guard until you are ready to fire.
• Everyone should learn gun safety (especially kids).
• Your kids know where the guns are at.
• Burglars know where to look for guns too.
• Use a trigger lock or a gun safe.
• Check your state and local laws when owning a gun.
• Carrying a loaded gun in the car is illegal in many states. Have it unloaded, locked up, and in the trunk unless you have a carry permit.
• It is far too late for gun control; there are too many guns out there.
• The caliber of a gun refers to the diameter of the bullet (e.g. .22 is 0.22 inches across, 9mm, etc.). The exception is a .38, where the diameter is 0.357", due to historical reasons.
• The gauge of a shotgun refers to the number of spherical lead balls that fit into the barrel that it takes to make a pound. Lower numbers have bigger barrels. The exception is a .410. It has a barrel diameter of 0.410".
• Shot size refers to the size of the pellets, or shot in a shotgun shell. The lower the number, the bigger the shot. Each 000 Buck pellet is about .36”, #8 is .089”.
• A magnum round is larger, has more gunpowder, more power, and the gun is beefed up to handle this.
• A .410 is easier to control than a 20-gauge is easier to control than a 12-gauge.
• Hearing the action of a pump shotgun WILL make a burglar shit his pants.
• Own a pistol for targets, hunting or mobile protection; do not own a pistol for home defense, there you want a shotgun.
• A .410 or 20-gauge pump (you want the sound, see above) with a pistol grip and the barrel 1/4 to 1/2 inch OVER the legal minimum.
• Number 4 shot (size of a BB) will take down or discourage just about anybody, spreads out so a hit is more likely and you really don’t have to worry about killing someone in the next room when (WHEN) you miss.
• Practice!
• You can practice all day with a .22 for next to nothing. Other bullets are expensive.
• Revolvers are simple.
• A revolver looks like the traditional six-shooter in Western films.
• A pistol usually uses a magazine in the handle to hold bullets (and is sometimes referred to correctly as a semi-automatic, and loosely as an automatic).
• A rifle fires bullets.
• A shotgun fires shot (lead BBs) or slugs.
• A single-shot needs to be re-loaded every time you fire it.
• A semi-automatic shoots one bullet every time you pull the trigger. These are sometimes referred to as automatics.
• An automatic shoots more than one bullet every time you pull the trigger (think machine gun).
• These are very heavily regulated. You really do not want to own one of these unless you become a collector and you like talking to cops.
• Never draw a gun if you don’t believe you need to kill someone.
• Think about the situations you would use it in advance.
• A gun is not a magic wand that makes people do what you want. It is a tool for killing. Don’t believe the movies.
• FBI studies show that most gun fights happen in the dark, at ranges less than twenty feet, and that over 80% of all shots fired miss.
• The caliber of a weapon will largely tell you how much damage it can do BUT, the danger in the weapon lies in who is firing it.
• Example, 50 Cent got shot multiple times with a 9 mm, no round came close to a vital spot and he lived; on the other hand, people have been killed from one shot from a .22.
• Always shoot two-handed.
• Two words, shot placement.
• There are things like .25 pistols, (big in the Saturday Night Specials) do not own one of these.
• Cheap guns jam a lot.
• You get what you pay for.

Fighting

• The first rule of unarmed combat: don’t stay unarmed.
• Pens and other devices can make very effective weapons. So can rolled-up magazines. Or furniture.
• Non-obvious weapons are good, A church key can held in the hand and not seen until used and makes one hell of wound. A rolled up magazine works well, see one of the fight scenes in The Bourne Supremacy.
• A baseball bat is a scientifically designed club.
• A pool cue is a close second.
• Big Maglites are good too.
• Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
• Don't argue with or scare a man with a gun. If you do you deserve to get shot.
• Cops have guns.
• An armed society is a polite society.
• Stay the hell away from outlaw bikers of any sort. If you don't, consider yourself lucky that you don't get hurt or in serious trouble or both.
• If confronted with a belligerent asshole, be polite. Make a joke to his friends. Smile. This will diffuse most ugly situations. If not, walk away. Only if you can’t should you consider fighting.
• Learn self-defense techniques, both stand up and ground fighting.
• Be very careful about fighting someone that is trained in fighting (martial arts and boxing).
• Remember, people who train in this sort of thing are a lot more used to getting hit than you are.
• Police are not always handy, especially if you live in the country.
• The police are not required to protect you.
• Knives are very dangerous.
• Be careful with that man with the knife, especially if he knows how to use it. Police are trained that a person with a knife that is 20 feet away can get to them faster than they can pull a gun.
• Some people are good at throwing knives
• Knife fights are messy.
• So are other kinds of fights.
• Be aware of the state laws concerning blade length. It will be considered a concealed weapon unless you are wearing it in a sheath on your belt.
• Most people are not natural born fighters. They have to psych themselves up for it. This involves shouting, getting red in the face, and pushing. If there is no way you can walk away from a fight, hit first. Surprise is a huge advantage.
• Never, ever, punch a man in the jaw. You aren’t at all likely to knock him out. You are likely to break your hand.
• Best targets: palm strike to the nose, stomp on the instep, knee to the groin, kick to the knee, punch to the solar plexus. In about that order.
• If you’re going to hit someone, hit as hard as you can. Half¬assing it will get you hurt.
• Aim to hit several inches beyond the target, that way you’ll be certain to follow through. Practice this.
• If you are associating with a man that has hair shaved off of his arms at random you are probably looking at what are called knife fighter's shaves. These people like knives and generally know how to use them, The shaved bits are where they are testing the sharpness of their blades.
• Be aware that blade style is also a factor in some states, a spear blade knife is illegal in Mass and a couple of other states. Similarly for butterfly knives.
• A vest that will stop a bullet will not stop a well thrust knife.

More Advice

• Read The Notebooks of Lazarus Long, http://www.bobgod.com/writer/lazaruslong.html