perfidy

As many loyal readers know...alright, as BOTH loyal readers know, there is a multitude of benefits that come from military service.

Some benefits are genuinely and immediately useful, like the GI Bill or Army College Fund; some more abstract, like learning how to lead or, if you're a slack-dick, at least learning how to follow properly. Other bennies are too grim for many to consider, such as survivors' benefits from life insurance or, under certain circumstances, burial at Arlington National Cemetery. Yet more are just fucking cool, like never, ever getting a speeding ticket while in uniform, or having chicks dig you.

But one in particular I've learned is not all it's cracked up to be: the VA mortgage guarantee. Assuming your credit history and income are in order and you can get a mortgage in the first place, the VA will back 100% of the purchase price. In other words, qualifying veterans can buy qualifying homes for no money down.

Thing is, you have to find out the hard way that this program has nothing to do with other up-front costs or fees. Now, I was a soldier and then a student before I got my first big-boy, grown-up job. In essence, I didn't make a penny beyond my immediate survival needs between 1989 and 2000. So I figger, "Super, I'm a veteran and can buy a house with enough dough to make the payments on it. That 20% down is for suckers. Sweet!"

Not so fast, stud:

-Expect to have at least 3% of the selling price on hand. Unless you have cash money to put down, even 3%, few sellers will take you seriously. And if the seller has other offers, from people who can put 10%, 20% down on the spot, you're not competetive. So, in this part of the world, have at least $6,000 for that.

-Plan on $600 for mandatory inspections and appraisals.

-Plan on at least $800 for 1 year's homeowner's insurance prior to closing.

-Figure, conservatively, $6,000 cash available at closing for attorney's fees and any other fees levied by the bank or other activities.

-And don't forget establishing that escrow account for property taxes! (in my case, $2,700)

So this "100% financing", while technically factual, doesn't actually mean that you can buy a house without having alot of cash at hand. Like, $10,000 to throw at mortgage officers, lawyers, and bug inspectors without even beginning to apply $$ toward the sale price.

I can't honestly slag the program, because without it I'd be back in a condo, and I would rather eat BOTH pairs of my size 10 (UK) 8-eyelet Docs than deal with the boneheaded foolishness of condo associations.

But hey VA, it might be nice if you let folks know that no money down kinda doesn't really mean no money down.